It’s so great to meet someone, where the chemistry is there. You feel the excitement of a “love connection.” The stimulating conversation and similar values you share with them -give you reason to believe: this is a person you’d enjoy getting to know for a possible relationship. Wrong! That may not be what’s happening.
After a few dates, it becomes clear that this charmer has no interest in an intimate and meaningful relationship with you. His real agenda is only to have sex with you. So, if you frequently have the experience of telling a friend, “He seemed so charming and interested in a relationship but turned out to be interested in only one thing,” - then you’re missing the warning signs: all you are is a booty call.
Most charming and intelligent men (i.e. players) who are only interested in sexual relationships are smart enough to avoid sexual conversation when they first meet you. Their goal is make you feel safe and seducible by giving you the impression - they are not like “all the rest.” To avoid being romantically disappointed, be aware of these ten (10) signs that you are being used for sex.
1. He only notices how you look. While it’s great when someone appreciates your appearance and how terrific you look, you want to be loved and adored for your inner qualities, too. Men who are sincerely interested in a relationship with you - will compliment you for qualities such as your intelligence, sense of humor and values. Men who are focused on having sex with you will tell you how great your hair looks or hot your ass looks in that dress. Be wary of men who become over-familiar with you before you’ve had a chance to develop an intimate relationship with them over time.
What to do: Next time he makes a comment about your looks, ask him to tell you what inner qualities about you he likes (e.g intelligence, creativity, sense of humor).
2. Conversations always turn sexual. When he phones to talk with you and regardless of the topic - he finds a way to bring sex into the conversation. You tell him about your successful sales presentation and he remarks how about how the client probably couldn’t take his eyes off you because you’re so beautiful and look so hot in your business suit. When you tell him you can hardly wait to go home and just soak in a hot bath, he’s quick to tell you, he wishes he could be there to wash your back.
What to do: Let him know that what really turns you on is when his comments don’t bring sex into the conversation.
3. Texts and emails are flirty and sexual. You can tell so much about a man’s interest in you by the content of his communication. Players, who only have a sexual interest in you, use texts and emails as opportunities to turn the discussion into sexual conversation. You just got home and are unwinding, he texts, “What are you wearing right now?” You’re shopping for vegetables at the grocery store, he texts, “Wouldn’t it be hot to make love right their among the strawberries?”
By contrast, men who are sincerely interested in you will ask how you feel? How’s your work project coming along? They’ll ask about the big account you’re trying to close or how your annual review went with your boss.
What to do: Don’t respond to the content of his text. Instead, verbally tell him the areas of your life you invite him to be curious about (see previous paragraph).
4. Dates are pizza at your place. Men who are interested in courting you and getting to know you - want to be out in public, doing things with you, whether it’s going to a gallery opening or a chic new restaurant for a romantic dinner. Men who are only interested in sex don’t want to invest time or money in developing a relationship with you. They are looking for convenience and the easiest way to gratify their needs. Be weary of men whose idea of getting together is, “I’ll just pick up a pizza...or how about Chinese food tonight?” They are interested in a booty call. That’s fine if that’s what you want. But a booty call is not a date.
Remember: men who want to be your boyfriend take you on dates, whereas men who only want you as a f*ck buddy take you to their place (or meet you at yours).
What to do: Don’t accept a dinner invitation where he picks up dinner. Instead, let him know that you want to go out for a casual dinner.
5. Their idea of entertainment is watching a movie or listening to music. Men who are interested in developing a relationship with you, want to share activities and cultural events with you. They want to get to know you better to make sure you’re a fit for them, too. It’s important they make a good impression on you that says: “I’m an interesting man who enjoys doing different things.” They want to know if you’re compatible with each other in many areas - not just sexually.
A man who just wants to bed you, realizes that bringing over pizza under the guise of a date won’t fly very long. So, to placate you and even deal with the boredom he may feel in your company, he’ll suggest you get together to watch a movie or listen to music at your place (or his). This creates the illusion that you’re doing more than just having sex when you’re together. But his planned goal is always to have sex when the movie is finished.
What to do: Don’t agree to watching a video at your place. Instead, suggest an activity that gets you out of your place.
6. He gets angry if you don’t want to have sex. When a man loves your company and enjoys being with you - he just wants to be near you. You can invite him over to play a board game or to watch a movie. When you’re done, you can say, “Hey...I’m tired and I have an early day at work.” He’s happy that you hung out together and satisfied just being in your company. Even though, you normally have sex, he’s Ok that you haven’t and content to share a hug and a passionate kiss.
But when you tell a man who’s using you for sex, “Thanks for coming over tonight but I have to wake up and drive to the airport for a very early flight,” - he’ll pressure you to have quick sex. If you aren’t receptive, he may become extremely angry at not getting his way.
What to do: If he gets upset at your refusal of sex, don’t argue. Just say goodnight
7. Hug, kiss and then straight to your bedroom. In a relationship where someone is excited about knowing you, curious about your life and what you think, there are so many things to talk about. In a relationship where someone is only interested in using you for sex, there’s nothing important to discuss. A man who’s using you for sex doesn’t want to spend time chitchatting about your day or what you think about the big events in the news. That crash in the Andes that killed 200 people, or the latest terrorist act by ISIS, or whether Hillary Clinton can win the Democratic nomination are not worth discussing. Instead, he’s quick to grab your hand and march you over to the bedroom to have sex with you.
What to do: As soon as you sense you’re being pushed into a bedroom scenario where you’ll be used for sex, stop and tell him that you aren’t in the mood and would prefer having a chance to just visit.
8. Foreplay is over quickly. When a man truly likes you, respects you and sees you as a prospect for a long-term relationship, he begins to have intimate feelings for you. He moves from having sex with you to wanting to make love to you. Foreplay can last a long time because it’s so enjoyable to hug, kiss and touch everywhere. The joy is in the journey - not the destination of an orgasm. The man who wants to sexually use you doesn’t need much kissing or touching. His body is ready for the sex act quickly and he’s not thinking about your satisfaction. He’s thinking only about his gratification. You are a sexual object to him.
What to do: If you sense foreplay is being rushed, stop and gently ask him to slow down so that you can catch up.
9. He never wants to spend the night. Obviously, sometimes it’s not convenient for new lovers to automatically spend the night after having sex. But the man who wants to have a real and intimate relationship with you, wants to know what’s like to lay in bed after sex and just talk. He wants to know what it’s like to wake up together and have some morning juice and a cup of coffee. To him, it’s part of developing a warm, close connection with you.
The man who uses you for sex will have 100 excuses for why he can’t spend the night (or why you can’t stay over at his place). His excuses are familiar: “Got a big thing happening at work tomorrow,” or “Got a big thing with some friends,” or “My family is having a big thing going on.” The reason why is that he doesn’t want to share an intimate relationship with you. Sex is what he wants; and now that he’s gotten it, there’s no reason to stay (or, he wants you to go).
What to do: If spending the night is important to you, invite him to stay before you have sex. If he chronically makes excuses for not staying the night, just accept that he’s not interested in an intimate relationship with you or let him know you’re looking for a more intimate connection with someone you have sex with.
10. When you hear from him, you feel like you’re a booty call. A man who values you and wants to get to know you, because he’s interested in a relationship, makes you feel special and treats you considerately. While he can be spontaneous, he usually calls in advance to make plans. You spend more time out of bed doing things and enjoying each other’s company.
But a man who’s using you for sex thinks nothing of calling you at 1:00 AM or sending you a text to come over. While no scientific studies have been done to confirm it, there is a lot of sociologic evidence to suggest that anyone out on the streets after 12 midnight, is on his way to a booty call. The question: is that man on his way to your place?
What to do: Unless you’re using him for sex, dump him, because he’s only interested in you for sex.
When is the best time to have sex if we're trying to conceive?
Timing is everything. Sperm can live for three to five days, but the egg is around for only 12 to 24 hours. To increase the likelihood of conception, it's important to have daily intercourse in the days leading to ovulation and on the day you ovulate. A good approach is to have sex one to two days before ovulation and again on the day you ovulate. That way, there's more likely to be a healthy supply of sperm waiting in the fallopian tube when an egg is released.
Of course, exactly when a woman ovulates isn't altogether clear. It depends in part on the length of your menstrual cycle. A woman typically ovulates about 14 days before her next period — not mid-cycle, as is commonly held. If you have a 28-day cycle, which is the average, then you would ovulate about halfway through your cycle. But if you have a 35-day cycle, you would ovulate around day 21, not day 17. (Day 1 is the first day of your period.)
To determine the time when you're most likely to be fertile
How do I know when I'm ovulating?
Some women can tell when they ovulate. But most women don't notice any changes at all. If you're thinking about getting pregnant, try to track your cycle for a couple of months. Some signs of ovulation include:
+ Increased vaginal discharge that takes on a wetter, egg-white-type quality
+ A slight increase (about 0.4 to 1 degree Fahrenheit) in basal body temperature, or BBT, which you can detect by taking your temperature each morning before you get out of bed, one or two days after you ovulate. You can get a good sense of your cycle if you chart your BBT for a few months.
If my periods are irregular, will it be harder for me to get pregnant?
Most women have about 12 periods a year, but some have fewer and some skip months or don't get a period at all. Stress, heavy exercise, dramatic weight loss or gain — all of these can cause interruptions in your period. The more irregular your period is, the more difficult it is to predict ovulation.
Say your cycle is 28 days one month, 21 days the next month, and 32 days the following month. Keep a record of your menstrual cycles for several months. Then subtract 17 from your shortest cycle and 11 from your longest cycle. The days in between the two are the ones you're most likely to be fertile.
If your cycles are irregular and more than 35 days apart or longer, you should consider seeing your ob-gyn or a fertility specialist to check for other causes of an irregular cycle, such as polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), ovarian dysfunction, thyroid disorder, excessive weight loss or an elevated prolactin level.
Can't we just try and see what happens?
Of course, you don't have to plot basal body temperature or keep complicated logs if you don't want to. You don't even need to have an orgasm to get pregnant. Try having sex at least two to three times a week consistently, and the law of averages probably will prevail.
Men joke that any sex is good sex—and they're not entirely kidding. They're biologically designed to be gratified in bed more quickly and easily than we are. But when pressed, almost every man will admit that sometimes sex is better than good. Certain sex moves drive them crazy in the best possible way. Women who know these moves hold the kind of power over men that inspires great art, novels and films. And you don't have to be lithe or athletic to perfect them. In fact, they're ridiculously easy to learn.
The seven techniques here are guaranteed to thrill him—and make him eager to please you in return. The couples who've tried them can attest to that.
1. Let him watch
What it is: Moving in a way that is specifically intended to excite him
How to do it: Men are erotic visualists, more intensely aroused by visual stimulation than women are. Some men say that watching a woman climax is the ultimate form of arousal for them.
Many women touch themselves discreetly during intercourse to facilitate orgasm. Few realize they can use this little move with a theatrical flourish to arouse their men. Next time you're ready to make love and he isn't particularly interested, put on a sexy shirt and nothing else (except maybe black thigh-high stockings and a pair of heels) and assume a provocative position, with your back against the headboard, legs open and bent at the knees. Place two fingers in an inverted V straddling your clitoris.
What couples say:
"This is one of the sexiest things a woman can do for her man. When she touches herself and looks into his eyes, she's sharing a part of herself he can't have any other way. I want my wife to do this for me—I fantasize about it—but so far she hasn't."
— Brad, 29
"The idea embarrasses me. I don't want to watch him, so why does he want to watch me? I'll probably do it someday just to please him, but I'll need a glass of wine first."
— Kristen, 27, his wife
"She looks at me while she's doing it. She takes long, slow strokes; and I go from zero to a 90-degree erection in no time. When her hips start moving faster and her eyes get heavy, I have to have her now."
— Jeff, 35
"I feel so powerful when I have that kind of immediate and intense effect on him. The electricity we generate from eye contact would light a room. If you can't be a shameless exhibitionist with your husband, then with whom?"
— Lisa, 34, his wife
2. Stand up your man
What it is: A manual wake-up call for him
How to do it: Men love to be stroked, fondled and handled with authority by expert female hands—and they love watching a woman take manual erotic control of them. If he's having trouble getting a firm erection, rub a small amount of oil or lubricant onto your palms and put one hand firmly around the base of his penis. Work the other hand from the base up to the head in a circular, twisting motion, as if you were following a winding staircase up his appendage. Caress the head with your palm. Then start at the bottom again. This staircase goes only one way: up.
If he's sensitive around his perineum (the space between his testicles and anus), adjust the hand gripping the base of his penis so you're free to massage the perineum with a finger or your thumb. Or pay attention to his testicles if he likes that. When he has a full and firm erection, guarantee his stamina by using this stroke: Open your hand and form a V with your thumb and index finger. Slide his penis between the V so the flat of your palm caresses the shaft, and move upward from the base to the head. Again, only move up.
What couples say:
"The women I knew before I met my wife held me the way a wimpy guy shakes hands. You don't want that. You don't want a crusher, either. Tessa has the perfect touch; I let her take charge. When she starts that little twisting move with her hand, I spring to life."
— Michael, 37
"If you really like something, you're probably good at it. And I love knowing I can get him really aroused simply by using my hands."
— Tessa, 30, his wife
"The upward strokes really work. There's probably a psychological component to it: It's like she's pulling my sexual energy upward too."
— James, 40
"I love being with James. Younger men can get erections so quickly that a woman doesn't have the opportunity to apply much manual skill. I'm a visual woman, so I get aroused doing this too."
— Deborah, 29, his wife
3. Take matters into your own hands
What it is: A hand job like he's never had—and couldn't possibly give himself
How to do it: This is really a two-hand job. Begin by clasping your lubricated hands together, fingers interlaced, tightly around him (but not so tightly, of course, that you cut off his circulation). Move your hands up the shaft in one long twisting motion followed by the same motion as you work your way back down. Now vary that move by eliminating the twist. When he has a firm erection, clasp your hands at the top of the shaft. Gently contract and release them around the shaft at approximately one-second intervals. Keep doing this up and down the shaft, stopping at the rim where the shaft meets the head.
Alternate the twisting and the contracting strokes until he is ready for launch. Then hold him firmly in both hands, gently contracting them in time with his spasms. Finish him off by running your thumb from the base of the shaft on the underside up to the head.
What couples say:
"When she contracts and releases her hands around me, the sensations echo in my head like erotic heartbeats. A woman who is really good with her hands is an expert lover."
— Jake, 33
"Jake has a higher sex drive than I do. He wants sex every day, sometimes more on weekends. I like to do this for him, especially on a lazy weekend afternoon, because it gives us a special connection."
— Angela, 31, his wife
"When she does this for me, I feel the orgasm building more gradually than when we have intercourse. It's strong, intense. And I can watch."
— Marco, 32
"I experience him in a different way when I feel him in my hands from the way I do during intercourse. Every movement is exaggerated, maybe because I see it happening."
— Kim, 33, his wife
4. Perfect the stand-up kiss
What it is: A way to arouse him or restore his flagging erection during lovemaking
How to do it: This can arouse him when he thinks he's not in the mood; it's the most direct route to a state of heightened readiness. Holding his penis firmly in one hand, take it in your mouth, moving the head and the top third of the shaft in and out. When he becomes erect, use a variety of strokes, including these two:
• The twist and swirl: Use one hand to do the circular twisting motion described in move No. 2 as you swirl your tongue around the corona (the ridge separating the shaft from the head), paying particular attention to the frenulum (the small piece of skin where the head meets the shaft).
• The butterfly flick: Lightly flick your tongue back and forth across the delicate corona.
What couples say:
"Cathy used to lick like I was an ice-cream cone. Then one day she did this little swirling thing with her tongue around the rim, and it gave me a tremendous erection. That inspired her creativity."
— Dennis, 39
"I love feeling that I can have him whenever I want simply by using my skills. Last night I surprised him: He came into the bedroom complaining of being tired and having a headache. I was naked. He was fully dressed. I unzipped his pants: He wasn't tired and achy anymore. The sex was great."
— Cathy, 38, his wife
"The combination of her hand and her tongue, both twisting and swirling, is intense and irresistible. I may be tired, but when she puts that special move on me, I become a man of steel."
— Joe, 34
"Control is important. I do this move long enough to give him an erection with staying power, but without taking him into the zone where he'll come too soon. I have to stop myself, because I really get into playing with him."
— Meg, 31, his wife
5. Give him the ultimate delight
What it is: Oral sex all the way
How to do it: He'll be eternally grateful for this one. Do the steps in move No. 4 until he's close to orgasm. Then gradually draw him in, as much of him as you can comfortably handle, keeping a hand firmly around the rest (use your thumb and forefinger to form a ring—an okay sign—and place this ring around your mouth). Move your tongue around the shaft. Pull in your cheeks to create suction. Open your mouth to release the suction, but keep the tip of your tongue engaged. With the palm of one hand or your thumb, massage the perineum.
What couples say:
"I love the way her mouth feels around me, and I also love watching her. I'm always so grateful that I'll do anything she wants when it's her turn."
— Mark, 35
"This is the most intimate, loving thing a woman can do for her man. I really enjoy making Mark happy in such a special way. It gives me satisfaction too."
— Julie, 35, his wife
"I love the way she silently uses her cheeks to create suction. She is so elegant and beautiful, I can't believe she is willing to do this for me."
— Brian, 39
"I use that little okay-sign technique. Conquer the gag reflex and you've conquered your man."
— Elaine, 33, his wife
6. Take the roundabout path
What it is: An arousing spin on the female-superior position
How to do it: Men love the special moves women make in the female-superior position. To increase his excitement and visual stimulation—and intensify clitoral and G-spot stimulation for you—move on an oval track rather than straight up and down. Imagine you're circumscribing an oval with your body, with the down stroke at one end of the oval, the upstroke at the other. Lean forward slightly as you push down on him, stimulating your clitoris. Pull up and move backward slightly on the upstroke, stimulating your G spot. (Can't find your G spot? It's a patch of skin a third of the way up the front vaginal wall, easily reachable with your fingers.)
What couples say:
"When she's on top and she moves in this oval fashion—wow! I can't get that sensation when I'm on top, no matter how I vary my thrusting. She's a sex goddess."
— Kevin, 32
"I actually discovered my G spot in this position. The orgasms I have on the oval track feel like they're emanating from two places at once. I come in waves. That makes him more excited, and his orgasms seem to be stronger too."
— Mandy, 34, his wife
"Watching her make that oval circuit is as exciting as feeling it. Sometimes she throws her arm up in the air like she's riding a mechanical bull."
— Gianlucca, 31
"My pleasure really turns him on. This is my best move because I can gyrate myself into a big orgasm."
— Anna, 34, his wife
7. Adjust the angle
What it is: A variation on the rear-entry position that dramatically improves the experience for both of you
How to do it: This simple adjustment to the basic rear-entry position accomplishes two worthy goals: It presents your buttocks in the most flattering way possible and it increases G-spot stimulation. Never had a G-spot orgasm? You just may have one now.
Here's how you do it: Kneel on the edge of the bed and have your man stand behind you. Lie with your chest flat on the bed and elevate your hips at a steeper angle than you would normally do in this position. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making the fit tighter and creating additional stimulation for both of you.
What couples say:
"I love looking at my wife's buttocks, and I love the fact that I feel larger when I enter her this way."
— Leo, 39
"When my buttocks are elevated that high in the air, the little cellulite-pocked areas where the buttocks meet the thighs smooth out. I look good. When you look hot, you feel hot."
— Bree, 32, his wife
"The fit is tight; the view is extraordinary. And she really gets into her own experience. I like watching her from this position."
— Derek, 34
"We both enjoy the deep penetration we get. And I get a lot of sensation in my nipples with my breasts pressed against the bed."
— Sherrilyn, 31, his wife
Losing your virginity can seem scary, and the range of myths surrounding it doesn't help. Plus, it can be hard to define what virginity really is — since it is a social construct and not a medical term, it can mean something completely different to everyone. In this case, we're going to discuss penetrative sex and how to make sure it's not too painful, even during your first time. Follow along after the jump to learn how to mentally and physically prepare yourself.
Before Having Sex
1 Make sure you feel confident in your decision to have sex. Most people fear the unknown, and it's easy to get anxious if you don't know what's coming. Feeling nervous is normal, but if you find you feel so anxious that your whole body tenses up when you think about it, or when you and your partner are fooling around, it might be a sign that you should wait a little longer, until you feel more excited than nervous. Instead of letting anxiety take over, try to find ways to relax and become educated beforehand so you feel confident in the moment. Here are some strategies to try:
• Read up! Knowing exactly what goes where, what's normal, and what to expect can help ease a lot of your anxiety about having sex for the first time. Planned Parenthood, Sex, Etc. and Scarleteen are good places to start.
• Know your body. Understanding your own anatomy can help you feel more confident, especially if your partner is also a virgin. It's important to figure out what you enjoy, so you can communicate that to your partner and ensure that you both have a good experience. Masturbation can help with this, or you can simply resolve to be communicative while you experiment with your partner — whatever you choose, try to pay attention to how you respond to different touches.
• Approach sex with a positive attitude. When you lose your virginity is a personal choice. If you feel extremely guilty and stressed out at the prospect, maybe it's better to wait. If you engage in sexual activity when it doesn't feel "right," this can impact your enjoyment of sex and may lead to feelings of guilt or shame. A lot of people grow up being taught sex is shameful, should be reserved for marriage, and is only to be experienced between a man and a woman. If you are struggling with these feelings, you may want to address them before having sex. It’s okay to have sexual desires and feelings, to be with other people sexually when it is consensual, to be attracted to any gender, or to be any gender. Sex should be a positive experience that brings you closer to a consenting partner.
2 Take a trip to the drugstore. Buying a few items ahead of time can make losing your virginity a little easier. Consider picking up:
• Condoms, which both help prevent pregnancy and help stop the spread of sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). Even if you're on another form of birth control and you trust your partner, using a condom can erase any doubts that might make you anxious in the moment. Don't worry about buying anything that's ribbed or extra tricked-out for your first time — your biggest concern is that the condom fit. Partners should consider going together and buying a few different types of condoms and trying them on and seeing what fits best so you'll be prepared when the big moment arrives. If your partner has a latex allergy, nitrile condoms are a great alternative.
• Lubricant will ease a lot of the pain by reducing friction. If you're using latex condoms (which most are), do not use an oil-based lubricant, because they can weaken the latex and cause the condom to tear or break. Instead, opt for a silicone- or water-based lube. It is safe to use any type of lube with a nitrile or polyurethane condom.
3. Discuss your concerns with your partner. Having sex with someone you trust can make your first time a lot less nerve-wracking. Your partner should be considerate of your feelings, focused on making sure you have a good experience, and willing to help you through the process. If your potential partner pressures you too much, or if he or she doesn't seem very concerned about how having sex might affect you, maybe it's best to reconsider.
4 Know what your hymen is. The hymen is a thin membrane that partially covers the vaginal opening, and almost every female is born with one. It starts to wear away over time due to a variety of activities, such as playing sports, tampon usage, menstruation or normal movement. Here's what you need to know about it as far as losing your virginity is concerned:
• You probably have a partial hymen. If you're a teenager, chances are that only part of your hymen is left — which is normal, particularly if you've already started having periods. If you want to investigate more, you should be able to see your hymen easily with the help of a flashlight and a hand mirror.
• If you do bleed, it shouldn't be very much. Any bleeding you experience after losing your virginity should not be on the same level as having a period. Instead, it should only be light spotting for a few hours after. Some girls won't bleed at all.
• Breaking your hymen shouldn't be overwhelmingly painful. Actually, if you do experience pain during your first time, it's probably from friction if you are not sufficiently lubricated or aroused — not because your hymen has nerve endings (spoiler: it doesn't). The good news is, although you can't control your hymen tearing, you can control how relaxed you are.
• In some cases, your hymen may not break at all. It can stretch or the opening in the hymen may be large enough that the penis, sex toy, or fingers inserted do not tear the hymen.
5 Get acquainted with how your vagina is angled. If you can help your partner ease into you at the correct angle, you'll avoid some potentially painful fumbling. Most vaginas are at an angle and tilt forward, toward the belly. If you were standing, your vagina would be at a 45-degree angle to the floor.
• If you regularly use tampons, you're one step ahead. Take note of how you approach inserting a tampon, and try to recreate that same angle when you're starting to have penetrative sex.
• Remember that missionary is not the only position you can use — another position, in which you have more control, may be more comfortable. If you are on top of your partner, you can better control the speed and angle of penetration.
• If you don't use tampons or haven't otherwise engaged in any vaginal penetration, it's probably a good idea to figure it out before you have sex. Try using tampons on your next period, or inserting a finger next time you're in the shower. Aim toward your lower back; if that doesn't feel comfortable, shift forward slightly until you find a point that's comfortable.
6. Identify a trusted adult you can talk to. It may seem awkward to discuss your decision with an adult, and you may ultimately decide you don't feel comfortable doing so, but it's important to at least identify an adult you know you could talk to for help or advice. This person could be a parent, but it could also be a doctor, nurse, aunt, school counselor, or an older sibling. He or she can give you advice, make sure you have access to protection, and help you know what to expect. Even if you don't end up talking to this person, it will be comforting to know that there's someone you can talk to about sex, sexuality, and sexual health.
7. Get familiar with your clitoris. Contrary to what you might see in the movies, women rarely experience orgasm from penetration alone; clitoral stimulation is usually how people who are female orgasm. If you are nervous about pain, oral sex or clitoral stimulation before penetration can relax the muscles. If you orgasm before penetration, this can alleviate any potential pain due to the flood of endorphins in the brain.
• Talk to your partner about engaging in oral sex or stimulating the clitoris manually during foreplay and before penetration.
While You're Having Sex
1 Communicate with your partner. Communicate about birth control, safer sex and boundaries beforehand. Communicate about fears or nerves, about what what you think will or won't happen, and about how you're feeling. Make sure you both understand the concept of consent, not just that "no means no," but that you shouldn’t do anything that your partner isn’t enthusiastic about. If you're not sure, ask before proceeding — just because your partner doesn't say "no," it doesn't mean you have consent. You want to hear an excited, enthusiastic "Yes!"
• Try not to be afraid to ask for what you need in the moment — he or she should be more than happy to help you. Slowing down, moving gently, or using more lubrication are all things you could suggest to ease the pain of your first time.
2. Pick a stress-free location. If you're constantly worried about getting caught, you might not have much fun. Make it easier on yourself and your partner by choosing a time and place where you can be relatively sure you won't be disturbed.
• Look for privacy, a comfortable surface to lie down on, and a time when you aren't worried about being on a schedule.
3. Set a relaxing mood. Loosen up by making the atmosphere stress-free. Get rid of any distracting clutter, shut off your phone, and remove anything else that might make you feel nervous or keep you from focusing on your partner.
• Try some of the tricks that medical offices, dental offices or beauty salons use. Dim lighting, soft music, and warm room temperature are all meant to make you feel safe and comfortable.
• Consider taking some time to groom yourself beforehand so that you feel relaxed in your own skin. Take a quick shower so that you are clean and relaxe
4. Take your time. Try to be in the moment enjoying the journey instead of rushing to the finish or "destination." Instead of worrying about getting right to it, spend time figuring out what you and your partner both enjoy. Start with kissing, move to making out, and stick to whatever pace feels most comfortable for both of you.
• Here's an extra bonus to doing plenty of foreplay: as you become more aroused, your natural lubrication will increase — making it easier for your partner to enter you painlessly later on.
• Remember that you can stop having sex at any point. Consent is active and ongoing. If at any point you want to stop or withdraw consent, that is your right.
5. Do some aftercare (optional). If you're experiencing pain or bleeding, try to deal with it before it becomes too aggravating. Take an over-the-counter pain reliever (do not take aspirin if you're under age 19), clean up any blood, and wear a light pad for a few hours. If you experience extreme pain, you need to talk to a trusted adult or see a health care provider.
Couples, let alone expectant couples, have a tough time talking about sex in great detail. The word alone instills a feeling of uneasiness. People feel so uncomfortable simply saying the word “sex” that it is easier to have sex than it is to talk about it.
For many men, it is easier to bring up the word “sex” with friends than it is to talk about it with their girlfriend or spouse. And that is because men joke, not talk, about sex. Okay, I can’t resist: How often do men like to have sex?
Only on days that start with “T”: Tuesday and Thursday, Taturday and Tunday, Today and Tomorrow.
But in a marriage, sex is no joking matter. It is a big deal. And it is even a bigger issue when married couples enter the world of parenthood.
Sex is one of four major topics couples don’t talk about enough before and after marriage. (The other three are finances, parenting philosophy, and religion.) I understand that bringing up an intimate, lengthy discussion about sex to your wife is not easy. But the more a person ignores the subject, the more uncomfortable it is to have a conversation about it.
Remember, sex, and the intimacy and romance that comes with it, is what brought you and your wife closer together and into wedlock. After wedlock sex is necessary in nurturing and strengthening the bond in your marriage. Marriage without sex is a lonely feeling and can tear a couple apart.
There is a legitimate reason couples never establish a habit of discussing sex. During the teenage years, sex education took a “birds-and-the-bees” approach that involved fear-mongering tactics. Sex was also presented more as a dirty or bad act. Any serious conversation about the pros and benefits of sex was never brought up. The good news is that it is not too late to start talking about sex and renew a positive attitude about it!
So how do you begin?
Well, either you or your wife has to break the ice. If you wait for her, the conversation may never come up. This was the case in my marriage. So I made the first move. I figured I had nothing to lose and a lot to gain. My conversations with Tina led me to come up with the following list that compares the different ways men and women think about and view sex before and during pregnancy. I think this brief list will help you feel more comfortable discussing sex with your wife.
What a woman may not know about how a man really feels about sex
A man thinks about sex more often, has no control over his sex drive or blood flow to his penis (just as a woman has not control over her PMS), and can have as many as two or three spontaneous erections a day. When a man does not have sex, he suffers from MSB – Multiple Sperm Backup. Sex is good exercise and more physical than emotional. Still, the word “sex” is synonymous with intimacy. Sex is the language of intimacy and is how a man expresses his feelings about a woman. A man is visual and more interested in the deed. Sex is also a stress reliever; the time a husband spends having sex with his wife is an escape from reality.
What a woman (or man) may not know about a man’s feelings about sex after pregnancy
Not every husband is turned on by his wife’s pregnancy. An expectant dad’s sex drive may diminish because he fears he may hurt the baby. He may be turned off by a growing abdomen, leaking breasts, or symptoms of pregnancy his wife is experiencing, like nausea (hardly an aphrodisiac). He may feel awkward because it feels like someone else is in the room, especially if he knows the baby is a girl. And yes, a husband may be aroused by his pregnant wife’s new physique.
What a man may not know about how a woman really feels about sex
The environment influences a woman’s sex drive, and the ceremony of sex is more important than the deed. Sex is work and more emotional than physical. The word sex is not synonymous with intimacy. A woman’s sexual desire originates between her ears, not between her legs.
What a man (or woman) may not know about sex during the pregnancy
During pregnancy, a woman suffers from PMS, and her mood swings increase. Her body, especially her breasts, may become more sensitive to touch. She may struggle with self-esteem and feel unattractive due to weight gain. Fatigue may make it difficult for her to find the energy to have sex. She may feel that a mother isn’t supposed to have sex and also fear hurting the baby. And, yes, a wife’s sex drive can also increase during pregnancy.
The challenging issues a couple may run into is that only one of the spouse’s sex drive stays the same or increases while the other has no interest in sex. Or a couple’s timing may be off. A dad may be in the mood but the wife may not, and vice versa.
Then there is the issue of a pregnant woman not having the ability to engage in sex for health reasons. In this case, a husband may need to resort to short-term celibacy, which a man has experienced before during his single years.
Regardless of a couple’s situation, the sex issue is resolvable through a greater understanding of each other’s feelings and needs through good communication. No matter how uncomfortable a new mom and dad may be, it is important to honestly discuss how each of them really feels about sex.
When life gets busy, one of the first things to go in a relationship is sex. Couples are too tired, too full, too stressed, too distracted. Simply put: not in the mood.
We get it — there are a million and one legitimate reasons not to have sex tonight, tomorrow or the day after that. But there are plenty of couples out there who are doing the deed five, six, seven or more times a week. We recently asked married Huff Post readers who have sex every night (barring things like sickness, business trips or other extenuating circumstances, of course) how it has improved their lives and relationships. Below are 13 good reasons to get it on with your spouse on a near daily basis.
1. It provides some much-needed couple time.
“My husband and I have sex every night because it’s a moment in the day that is just about the two of us. We are parents to a toddler, so when we lay him down for bed each night, we can then spend the rest of the night expressing how we feel about each other physically. Having sex allows us to be passionate, to show affection and we enjoy pleasing each other.” - Christie M. of Arkansas; married 3 years
2. It leads to more PDA outside of the bedroom.
“We’re very physically expressive with one another, even when we’re not having sex. We hold hands a lot, he slaps my butt when I’m working in the kitchen, I nuzzle his neck when he’s working on research papers at the desk.” - Jesse N. of Ontario, Canada; married less than one year
3. It can be a workout if you do it right.
“When you have four kids and no time, sex is the best exercise.” - Tera M. of Oklahoma, married less than one year
4. It gets you out of your head for a little while.
“Sex for me, and now for my husband since we’ve gotten together, is a complete escape from reality. We are both very much into role-playing and it’s such a wonderful feeling to not have to be me for a while, to completely shut off from our crappy day-to-day existence and strictly be about ourselves and our enjoyment.” - Sara C., of Panama City, Florida; married one year
5. It builds trust.
“New positions and sexual frontiers take a lot of trust in your partner to not screw it up, and that kind of trust is best earned after several years of personal and joint bodily exploration.” - Kristena M. of Richmond, Virginia; married 10 years
6. It’s a way to connect without speaking.
“Sex is a vital part of marriage. It brings couples together in a way that other things don’t. What I mean is that it promotes togetherness, snuggling and cuddling, and it’s a way to connect without words.” - Teresa F. of Nashville, Michigan; married 37 years
7. You might end up arguing less.
“We know when something is off with each other. And most importantly, we don’t fight, argue or bicker! We sit down and talk things out. Staying connected like that helps us communicate better outside of the bedroom.” - Libby S. of Indianapolis, Indiana; married 2 years
8. It forces you to get creative.
“Being intimate so often, and sharing what each person needs and wants allows the freedom of creativity. There is no position or situation either of us has ever denied the other. This makes us each feel more and more comfortable to share [fantasies] or point out a hot girl or guy, and say what we’d like to do with them in bed.” - Arlene B. of Monterey, California; engaged for 3 years
9. It’s easier to schedule than a formal date night.
“I think it’s the easiest way to have some romance since we really don’t do date nights or vacations alone. Plus, I know my husband enjoys it.” - Emily D. of Pleasanton, California; married 12 years
10. One word: Orgasms.
“The benefit for me is that it feels simply amazing. I also love to see how my husband gets lost in the moment. Being able to see that level of complete satisfaction on his face is so satisfying to me.” - Stacia L. of Texas; married 11 years
11. It improves self-esteem.
“It has brought a new level of happiness for me personally, and has helped my self-esteem knowing that after two kids, my husband still thinks I’m sexy.” - Karri H. of Alaska, married 6 years
12. It’s a guaranteed mood booster.
“He sings in the shower after morning sex, nearly every time. This is all the proof I need that sex is a mood enhancer for him. And I’d like to think that good mood carries over into other parts of his day. I love knowing that I’m the reason he’s smiling at work.” - Jesse N. of Ontario, Canada; married less than one year
13. If you use it, you won’t lose it.
“If sex is such a large part of your routine and a big priority, it never becomes low priority or gets weird or awkward. And you won’t have to worry about how to resume or reconnect. Just don’t ever stop doing it!” - Lara G. of Austin, Texas; married 24 years
20 Reasons to Avoid Premarital Sex
Premarital (or extra-marital) sex is always a losing proposition! God is clear that His wonderful gift of physical intimacy is to reserved for the boundaries of marriage. Inside of those boundaries, the sexual relationship is a gift that blesses a couple and a family abundantly. Outside of that biblical commitment, the sexual relationship is always destructive, empty, and sinful. God’s word for this is “fornication”—1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”
In all of my counseling, I never meet people who are glad that they have committed fornication. After the fact, there is ALWAYS regret. Here’s a short list why fornication is always a really bad idea:
1. It breaks God’s laws and dishonors Him—search a concordance for the word “fornication.” We could stop here—it’s all we really need to know.
2. It presents huge physical risk—diseases and illness are rampant among those who engage in this lifestyle.
3. It presents huge emotional risk—a physical and emotional bond without a spiritual commitment is never a winning experience.
4. It presents huge spiritual risk—grieving the Holy Spirit and offending a holy God means we forfeit God’s best. We never win by dishonoring God.
5. It is awkward, guilt ridden, unfulfilling, and not representative of God’s original intent—hence a culture that continually seeks fulfillment with new partners and relationships.
6. It is disappointing at the physical, emotional, and spiritual levels—the only physical intimacy that exceeds expectations is that founded on long-term commitment and marital growth.
7. It creates a spiritual/emotional bond without commitment—this only breeds resentment, bitterness, and the feeling of being used. It says something like this, “I don’t love you enough to commit to you, but I love me enough to use you.”
8. It destroys trust—the best way to have trust in a marriage is to stay pure before you get married. Learning to be committed to Christ (in purity) is the best way to learn to be committed to a spouse.
9. It creates resentment and frustration—it was designed to happen within a committed marriage of selfless love. Outside of that, fornication just breaks the heart and wounds the soul.
10. It leaves you empty and searching for real love—physical intimacy doesn’t create a loving, committed relationship, it’s the fruit of one.
11. It devalues the future intimacy of your marriage—intimacy is “just the two of us.” Premarital relationships destroy that before it even happens.
12. It prevents the greatest intimacy in marriage—the purest and most fulfilling marital relationship is that which is forever untouched by previous relationships. (If you have failed morally, don’t lose hope. Claim God’s grace, and begin protecting your future marriage today by abstaining from further fornication.) Jesus doesn’t shame you, but He would say, “Go and sin no more.”
13. It sets a person on a path of unfulfilling sexual experiences—fornication is a downward spiral of perpetually unfulfilling relationships.
14. It attempts to shortcut God’s plan for marriage and family—it turns God’s great gift of family and love into a cheap thrill and self-centered pleasure quest.
15. It prevents you from having the most fulfilling sexual relationship—while a person is sleeping around, they are NOT preparing for the wonderful lifetime relationship that God intended.
16. It enlarges sexual desires and makes them insatiable—thinking with your hormones allows them to become an unruly taskmaster.
17. It puts the flesh and hormones in control of your life—you are more than a chemical reaction that seeks gratification. Don’t allow your life to be directed by physical desires. Submit those desires to the Holy Spirit, and let them be fulfilled in God’s time and in God’s way.
18. It creates children without strong homes—God intends this relationship to create a family with a foundation of commitment and lifetime love.
19. It feeds the abortion industry—illicit relationship creates unwanted children which creates “the abortion industry.”
20. It cannot be done safely—no matter what culture says—safe sex is one man, one woman, committed in marriage, for the rest of their lives.